Part 6: The Pain

Being with yourself fully sometimes means being in pain. I am not talking about physical pain, but the pain that comes with suffering and knowing that when you have Erb’s Palsy, you’re in for a long, long game.

I still remember the words of one of my trainers, with whom I had the privilege to work out for a year and a half, who probably knew I’d need those words: “You know, after so many years of your body not working as it should, you might need a longer time to heal. It’s been like this for a long time, so expect that it won’t heal overnight.”

Factor: Flare Ups

I knew that, but accepting it became difficult whenever my symptoms got worse. In the short term, they alarmed me and made me feel as though I had done something wrong. In the long term, they simply reminded me of how long the road ahead still was.
As someone with deep faith, but also as an adaptive athlete with a deeply introspective character, instead of praying and slowing down, I would go back down the rabbit hole and “investigate” where I might have derailed: Was it a sudden movement or a deadlift? Did I breathe properly? Did I sit too much yesterday? Was I under stress and forgot to relax, and it affected my muscles? Was it last month’s walking distance or today’s overwork?

As much as we think that we can learn “once and for all,” Erb’s Palsy is a great lesson in humanism: we have limits. However, I don’t see the injury as a finite, because I believe that I can adapt and focus on continuous healing and strengthening rather than quitting.

If you find yourself there, I know it’s exhausting. I know it’s the last thing that a tired body and mind need. But I’ve learned to use it as a learning curve. Those are the moments when I revisit my body’s anatomy and my injury. I make notes of what helps me feel better and what makes things worse.

For example, on days or weeks (and sometimes even months) when I am overly busy and have lots of things to do, especially physical work, I tend to rush. The more I rush, the less patience and time I have to use my injured arm. The other side overcompensates and then loses strength—a situation which later literally spirals downward and starts affecting my whole body.

This has taught me that daily decision-making and time management—including making time to rest, work out, or stretch—are an ongoing part of my lifestyle, and that I don’t have the luxury of taking risks anymore.

Factor: Medical Accountability

I haven’t met any person with Erb’s Palsy personally, but I have been in contact with several people online, as well as groups dedicated to BPI awareness and community. The stories and testimonies that I have read—and the number of both kids and parents suffering have honestly enraged me—as I believe that this injury can be avoided.
What angers me is that many health systems aren’t equipped with tools and knowledge in case of an injury.
One young mother shared her experience with me and told me that the hospital suggested she sue the Obstetrics Department. While this may sound like justice or an instant solution, to me, it is just another form of blame-shifting, and should be called out. Rather than merely covering the costs of physiotherapy and home exercise equipment, I would rather see accountability and far stricter standards when it comes to hiring and professional responsibility.

Otherwise, who will cover the expenses of parents in a developing country where health insurance is as rare as a fairly paid doctor? Who will sleep instead of the mother who sobs over her newborn’s bed every night? Who will restore the father’s strength? Who will give back the hours the sibling spent waiting while their parents were consumed by hospitals, therapy, and appointments?

Because I know no one ever gave anything back to my parents or my sister. Not a single institution. And all these years, I have carried the invisible cross.

To Be Continued

Song of the day: Alter Bridge – The Damage Done

Note: All songs, lyrics, artworks, images, and other forms of inspiration shared here reflect a deeply personal way of expressing emotions tied to a specific period in my life. Some of these pieces may not represent my current thoughts, beliefs, or circumstances, but I continue to include them as an authentic reflection of what I felt and experienced at that time.

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Written in November, 2025.

© All rights reserved. Written by Ana Topshiova, Founder of ZEBRAS AND MAGPIES.

This story is shared with the purpose of encouraging and supporting others on similar journeys, as well as educating, connecting, and raising awareness about Erb’s Palsy/BPI.